My Commonplace Book

In some ways, our basic knowledge about Pluto could all fit on a three-by-five card.
                      —Richard P. Binzel (20th century), American astronomer, Professor of Planetary Sciences at Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Oh, come on. The weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth has gone too far.

"We had enormous numbers of telephone calls, and I would say things that verged on hate mail from second-graders - very angry children who said, 'What have you done? This is the cutest, most Disney-esque of the planets. How could you possibly demote it?' " moaned Michael Shara, astrophysics curator at the American Museum of Natural History.

"I'm embarassed for astronomy," griped Alan Stern, leader of NASA's New Horizon's mission to Pluto, a $700 million project which -- at least until yesterday -- used the slogan The first mission to the last planet. He's supporting a petition to overturn the decision. "This definition stinks, for technical reasons," he whined. "It won't stand. It's a farce." (The fact that his work has been greatly reduced in importance by the vote has nothing to do with his opinion, of course -- it's purely scientific.)

"[The astronomers] are confused more than anything," complained astrologer Dave Roell, who said that astrologers have accepted Pluto as fact since the 1950s. "Science without philosophy is really just a pile of observations without meaning." Other astrologers agreed. "Pluto's effect has nothing to do with what scientists decide to call it or how they classify it," said Adel Ather, who called the IAU's decision arrogant. "I know the scientists don't realize what they're doing, but any downgrading of so significant a planet just can't feel right.''

Educators are concerned because suddenly all the textbooks are wrong. States typically order new course materials every five or six years, so many teachers will have to make do with incorrect science books for another half decade.

The Baltimore Sun even published a letter "from" the dwarf planet itself.. "What did I do to deserve this?" Pluto wails, then resolutely proclaims, "I, Pluto, am taking a stand. I'm here. I'm a sphere. Get used to it."

But you know what? All that is just too bad. Tough noogies, as we used to say in New York. Science is supposed to be objective. As we gain new information, what we "know" changes. The sun, moon, planets and stars don't revolve around the Earth. Diseases aren't caused by a miasma and exposure to the night air won't make you sick. Lightning and volcanoes aren't punishments or warnings from a deity. The continents aren't fixed. Pluto isn't a planet. Get over it.

Pluto never did fit in. Its orbit has a different shape and a different plane from the eight "regular" planets. It's too small. It's considered a binary system with Charon -- a double (dwarf) planet.

Fortunately, not everyone is complaining. The American Museum of Natural History in New York City hasn't considered Pluto a planet for years.  "Pluto, being half ice by volume, should assume its rightful status as the King of the Kuiper Belt of comets," Neil Tyson, director of the museum's Hayden Planetarium, said in 2001, obviously recognizing the handwriting on the wall.

The Sydney Morning Herald even tried to explain the situation to the demoted dwarf. "It's nothing personal. Honest. It's just that you were always a bit different from the other eight planets. ... And at least you fared better than Charon, which has been 'sent back to committee'. Pluto, we all feel your pain."

"It's a good lesson in how things change in science," said Kari Weston, executive director of curriculum and instruction in Newport News, Virginia. "All of science is constantly changing."

Even the widow of Clyde Tombaugh, who discovered Pluto on March 13, 1930, agrees. "I feel like I've been demoted or lost my job," Patsy Tombaugh joked. "My job was being the wife of the discoverer of a planet, not a dwarf planet, its really kind of a catastrophic change for everybody, I think." She admitted that her husband "was very disturbed by Marsden, you know, the man at Harvard, who was the one who started this about 10 or 15 years ago, and it just has come on from there. [But] we understand that in science things change as time goes on, and we learn more, and have better equipment to work with."

So does Mike Brown of the California Institute of Technology, the man who discovered "Xena," the object larger than Pluto that prompted the need to finally define what a "planet" is, although it cost him a place in history. "It's been a fun year having that whole 10th planet thing hanging around, but I can admit that deep down inside, it never felt right," Brown said. "I'm feeling a little relieved that they've done the right thing. I'm a little sad that we've lost the 10th planet, but I'm glad they got the science right." He even joked, "I may go down in history as the guy who killed Pluto."

And there's lemonade to be made. All those models of the solar system, diner place mats, wall posters, computer software, glow-in-the-dark mobiles, and everything else that shows a nine-planet system are now instant collectibles -- and all the new textbooks, encyclopedias, and novelty items with an eight-planet solar system will stimulate the economy.

We don't need "My Very Excellent Mother Just Sent Us Nine Pizzas." We can make up new mnemonics that are even better. The Associated Press came up with some, including "My Very Extravagant Mother Just Sent Us Nachos," "My Very Elderly Mother Just Sits Up Nights," and, much more memorable than excellent mothers with pizzas ever was, "My Very Exotic Mistress Just Showed Up Nude."

And Pluto can find a new role. The staff of the Washington Post Style section suggests what to do When One Cosmic Door Closes...

Yesterday, scientists made it official: Pluto doesn't measure up. Ithas been stripped of its "classical" planetary status and demoted to "dwarf" planet, or planette. But surely being kicked out of the Cosmos Club won't spell the end for our little neighbor 2.7 billion miles from Earth. Herewith, some suggestions of future roles for Pluto:

• Hacky Sack.
  
• Setting for new Discovery Channel documentary, "Starbucks: The Unconquered Territory."
  
• Off-off-offshore tax haven.
  
• New Redskins tackle.
  
• Rest area (no vending machines).
  
• Learn to accept self as useless giant snowball of methane, water and rock. And be the best darn methane-water-rock snowball you can be!

In all seriousness, I believe this is the right decision. I hope those who would rather stop the progress of knowledge than change their minds don't prevail.